My cat never minded me to lend from her one of her rubber bands for my hair, until one day came when she says to me; “No.” That’s it that’s all. We need Jewish counseling.
Stranger: You think you’re funny.
Me: To me, hell yeah.
Stranger: What’s so funny.
Me: An ex who still whines about you even after you’ve gone off the map for over a year—and I just feel like it’s pretty fucking hilarious isn’t it—shut the fuck up.
I don’t mean to judge, but you know when some family members bring home some people and there is no way you can help yourself but think; “What is this.” Yup, I’ve said it. Now laugh.
You’ve got the paperwork and I’ve got the paranoia.
Stranger: Can you describe me the person.
Me: Well, I know for a fact that she was wearing a black uniform.
Stranger: Oh, but we’re all wearing black uniforms.
1 minute later…
Me: Eyeslashes, she wore dirty ass fake eyelashes.
When you are over thirty and trying still to tease pedophiles.
“No nail clipping after midnight,” hushes the neighbor and that’s what I thought.
Let’s pretend that I am famous—you are all in it we cool.
The eyes expression of digging deep inside one’s brain with nothing worth exhuming.